The First Agreement

"A knife wound heals; a wound caused by words does not." -Turkish Proverb

I have first-hand experience with using the word against someone and causing a situation that spiraled out of control. I never realized how powerful words were, until this situation happened about a year ago.

My niece and my daughter have been on the same soccer team now for two seasons. At first, this was great. We were very close to my brother- and sister-in-law, and frequently did things together, as they lived only five miles away from us. And then last summer, things began to go downhill. Our soccer team was getting beaten by everyone in the universe, and not just by a couple of points. Soccer became a burden, and no one, including my daughter, was having fun anymore. And then one night, we found out that my brother-in-law had invited almost the entire soccer team to his house for a bonfire...but neglected to invite us until it was almost too late at night to bother going over.

I could have taken this as an oversight. I could have taken it as a blessing, as bonfires at his house tend to be a bit on the boring side. But I didn't. I took it personally, and the next day, when I saw my sister-in-law on the sidelines, I walked right by her without saying hello.

That game did not go well. We were getting our butts kicked by something like 12 points, by a team that would go on to win the state championship later that summer. A big perspective check was needed. But that didn't come. My niece made a comment to her teammates about how my daughter didn't belong on the team, and wasn't a good player, and of course this made it through the grapevine to Avery, and then to me. Maybe if we hadn't been overlooked for the bonfire the night before, I wouldn't have lost it like I did. Maybe if we had won the game, I would have been able to laugh it off. But I didn't. I ran over to my niece and went off about her behavior, right in front of everyone.

Those who don't think actions and words can have lasting effects, please learn from me. A whole slew of hateful, angry behavior on the part of my in-laws resulted from this one action. Horrible, hateful emails to both me and my husband. When I tried to defend myself by email to my in-laws, that letter was forwarded by my brother-in-law to everyone. What should have been a private quarrel was now public knowledge. Big time. Even worse, this situation precipitated a friendship between my in-laws and my husband's horrible ex-wife, which has made an uncomfortable situation even worse.

A year later, things aren't much better, but the thaw has begun. I sent my brother-in-law a Facebook friend request, telling them that we missed hanging out with them, and he accepted it. He's finally starting to hang out with my husband again, who has really missed his brother and suffered needlessly because of all this drama. We're still not being invited to bonfires and parties, but with my new perspective, I realize there may be more things going on in their lives that I'm not aware of, that have made them continue to react spitefully over something that happened a year ago. It's more important for me to forgive and let go of it for my own mental health, and not worry about their timetable and their small behavior, and not take it personally that we're not invited to any events; or to assume that they're still angry. Who knows what their deal is. I have to focus on my own.

The impeccability of the word. Think before you speak. Put things in perspective. Take nothing personally. It will save you a world of hurt.