Today went very well at work. I found I had a lot more energy left at the end of the day because I didn't stress out about anything. I found that not looking at my schedule worked well for me, because then I didn't get mad about people showing up late, not showing up, getting irritated if the doctors were running behind...I had zero expectations and kept my stress level at a minimum. I also felt like I was able to take each appointment one by one, and concentrate better on what was in front of me rather than what would happen later that day. And when a coworker got upset at someone, I went into my office and turned on some music that helped me drown out the madness.

All in all...a good day. :)

"Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee." -Montaigne

Today my challenge to myself is to live in the present moment.

I spent a few minutes this morning worrying about my schedule today at work. I know I have set myself up for some stress by working some patients into my schedule on a day when I am already covering for one of the physicians. In the past, days like this have sometimes turned out to be nightmarish, with me kicking myself countlessly all day for doing this to myself.

But today is going to be different.

I was thinking to myself why I worry about days with a full schedule. Do I not think I can handle it? I've been practicing for nine years. I know I have the skills to get everything done. Do I think patients will be mad if I'm running behind and they have to wait? I don't know what they're thinking. Why would I waste mental effort worrying about what they might be thinking, or might not be thinking? Whatever it is, I can't change it, either. If they're mad, they're mad...they can always reschedule, or go somewhere else. I think most people go to Dr's appts these days and expect to wait, at least a little bit. Plenty of the physicians I work with run late, all the time, and in the year I've been with this company there have been very few waiting room melt-downs. Plus, if I'm crabby that almost assures that the patients will be crabby back, too. Am I worried I'd get in trouble with my boss or the other doctors if a patient complained about me? I'm sure lots of other clinicians run late, and I'm sure that my boss wouldn't fire me over one day! Am I worried I won't get to take a lunch? I'm sure there will be a point during the day where I can eat something. And it's Friday! How bad can it be? :)

At the end of the day, anything can happen. There's always the possibility it could be the first full day that went seamlessly. Half my patients might not even show up. The typically crabby patients might be in excellent moods. I can't change any of that. But I can change how I react to it. It won't help my patients if I act all stressed out and crabby when I work with them, just because I'm stressed. They are all coming to me to help them. I could worry myself to death over what MIGHT happen, instead of just letting things happen and dealing with them as they come, on a minute to minute basis. I've actually stopped looking at my schedule so that I don't build up any expectations of what may or may not happen, and get stressed out, and I've found that actually works better for me. That way the patients all come as they're scheduled and then each is like a surprise. I won't have wasted time dreading certain patients or how full my schedule is.

We'll see how today goes.

Welcome

About 13 years ago, I bought a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz' book The Four Agreements. I couldn't have been at a scarier point in my life. About to have a child as a single mother, going back to school to get my masters degree, and living with my folks...I had no idea where life was going to take me, or how I'd gotten where I was in the first place. Unfortunately, it was not the right time or place in my life for the book to resonate with me.

Fast forward 13 years. I now have a career, a husband, a 12 year-old daughter, a house and a cat, and things couldn't be better on the surface. On the inside though, I was a mess. I found I was still angry and hurt about things that had happened years ago, and was still beating myself up about mistakes I had made and bad choices I had made in the past. My anger, frustration and hopelessness were bleeding into my work and my family life, and I knew something had to change. When I re-discovered my copy of The Four Agreements on a shelf in the basement about a week ago, this time I devoured it. I realized after I re-read the book how little time I spent on the here and now, today, this moment, and how important it was to forgive myself the past in order to move forward. And that was when I realized that it was time for me to put The Four Agreements into action.

I chose my blog title, Tabula Rasa, which is Latin for "clean slate", because one of the precepts of The Four Agreements is to start fresh every day, without judging anyone for what happened in the past, without judging ourselves for past mistakes, and not to worry about what might happen tomorrow. No one keeps score and everyone gets a second chance. We laugh at ourselves if we mess up and forgive and forget instantly. It's more of a challenge to live in the here and now than I realized it would be!

This blog will be my journey as I try to work through the concepts of living fully today. Feel free to leave your own thoughts!