"Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness." -Richard Carlson

Today I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.

How often do we say that to ourselves, at the start of every day? I know it's not something I'm used to. If you're like me, I wake up stressing out about getting on time to everything, making everyone happy, getting all my work done, and worrying about what I'm going to mess up. Not once have I ever woken up and given myself a booster shot of confidence to kick off the day.

At the end of the day, what does stressing out about everyone and everything really get me? Aggravated, exhausted, and strung out trying to meet unrealistic deadlines or goals I've set for myself or trying to make others happy at the expense of myself.

Break it down: the cranky patient that comes in 15 minutes late? Doable. A busy schedule booked solid? One patient at a time. Needing to leave work early to get home to get daughter ready for a soccer game that could potentially be played in the snow tonight, if the forecast is accurate? I'm working through lunch and I'll dress warm. It can all be handled.

The First Agreement

"A knife wound heals; a wound caused by words does not." -Turkish Proverb

I have first-hand experience with using the word against someone and causing a situation that spiraled out of control. I never realized how powerful words were, until this situation happened about a year ago.

My niece and my daughter have been on the same soccer team now for two seasons. At first, this was great. We were very close to my brother- and sister-in-law, and frequently did things together, as they lived only five miles away from us. And then last summer, things began to go downhill. Our soccer team was getting beaten by everyone in the universe, and not just by a couple of points. Soccer became a burden, and no one, including my daughter, was having fun anymore. And then one night, we found out that my brother-in-law had invited almost the entire soccer team to his house for a bonfire...but neglected to invite us until it was almost too late at night to bother going over.

I could have taken this as an oversight. I could have taken it as a blessing, as bonfires at his house tend to be a bit on the boring side. But I didn't. I took it personally, and the next day, when I saw my sister-in-law on the sidelines, I walked right by her without saying hello.

That game did not go well. We were getting our butts kicked by something like 12 points, by a team that would go on to win the state championship later that summer. A big perspective check was needed. But that didn't come. My niece made a comment to her teammates about how my daughter didn't belong on the team, and wasn't a good player, and of course this made it through the grapevine to Avery, and then to me. Maybe if we hadn't been overlooked for the bonfire the night before, I wouldn't have lost it like I did. Maybe if we had won the game, I would have been able to laugh it off. But I didn't. I ran over to my niece and went off about her behavior, right in front of everyone.

Those who don't think actions and words can have lasting effects, please learn from me. A whole slew of hateful, angry behavior on the part of my in-laws resulted from this one action. Horrible, hateful emails to both me and my husband. When I tried to defend myself by email to my in-laws, that letter was forwarded by my brother-in-law to everyone. What should have been a private quarrel was now public knowledge. Big time. Even worse, this situation precipitated a friendship between my in-laws and my husband's horrible ex-wife, which has made an uncomfortable situation even worse.

A year later, things aren't much better, but the thaw has begun. I sent my brother-in-law a Facebook friend request, telling them that we missed hanging out with them, and he accepted it. He's finally starting to hang out with my husband again, who has really missed his brother and suffered needlessly because of all this drama. We're still not being invited to bonfires and parties, but with my new perspective, I realize there may be more things going on in their lives that I'm not aware of, that have made them continue to react spitefully over something that happened a year ago. It's more important for me to forgive and let go of it for my own mental health, and not worry about their timetable and their small behavior, and not take it personally that we're not invited to any events; or to assume that they're still angry. Who knows what their deal is. I have to focus on my own.

The impeccability of the word. Think before you speak. Put things in perspective. Take nothing personally. It will save you a world of hurt.

"If our thoughts and hopes are elsewhere, it is impossible to set our faces steadily toward the work required of us." -Anonymous

I was realizing, driving into work this morning, how difficult it is for me to concentrate on one thing at a time.

I played a little game with myself, where I challenged myself to tune into the morning sports radio broadcast that I normally listen to and give it my complete, undivided attention. I found that I would listen for about a minute or two, and then my mind would wander off and think about something else, usually having to do with what was upcoming in my day or something that I was worried about. It was unreal.

I realized at work that I was having the same difficulty focusing on my patients. They would begin talking, and not three words in, I was already feeling my feelings and formulating my response, and sometimes completely missing the rest of what they were saying. This happened with my husband too. There is no worse feeling in the world than realizing after 37+ years, I am a terrible listener!

I think it's a byproduct of not living in the here and now that our minds are so programmed to wander off course into yesterday, the next hour, or the weekend. It's hard to see and hear what's in front of you when you're already three steps ahead of someone, or lost in yesterday! I had to mentally steer myself back into the present when I found my head going off track. I just didn't realize how frequently that was going to happen!

So today I am focused on listening before feeling or responding.

Today went very well at work. I found I had a lot more energy left at the end of the day because I didn't stress out about anything. I found that not looking at my schedule worked well for me, because then I didn't get mad about people showing up late, not showing up, getting irritated if the doctors were running behind...I had zero expectations and kept my stress level at a minimum. I also felt like I was able to take each appointment one by one, and concentrate better on what was in front of me rather than what would happen later that day. And when a coworker got upset at someone, I went into my office and turned on some music that helped me drown out the madness.

All in all...a good day. :)

"Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee." -Montaigne

Today my challenge to myself is to live in the present moment.

I spent a few minutes this morning worrying about my schedule today at work. I know I have set myself up for some stress by working some patients into my schedule on a day when I am already covering for one of the physicians. In the past, days like this have sometimes turned out to be nightmarish, with me kicking myself countlessly all day for doing this to myself.

But today is going to be different.

I was thinking to myself why I worry about days with a full schedule. Do I not think I can handle it? I've been practicing for nine years. I know I have the skills to get everything done. Do I think patients will be mad if I'm running behind and they have to wait? I don't know what they're thinking. Why would I waste mental effort worrying about what they might be thinking, or might not be thinking? Whatever it is, I can't change it, either. If they're mad, they're mad...they can always reschedule, or go somewhere else. I think most people go to Dr's appts these days and expect to wait, at least a little bit. Plenty of the physicians I work with run late, all the time, and in the year I've been with this company there have been very few waiting room melt-downs. Plus, if I'm crabby that almost assures that the patients will be crabby back, too. Am I worried I'd get in trouble with my boss or the other doctors if a patient complained about me? I'm sure lots of other clinicians run late, and I'm sure that my boss wouldn't fire me over one day! Am I worried I won't get to take a lunch? I'm sure there will be a point during the day where I can eat something. And it's Friday! How bad can it be? :)

At the end of the day, anything can happen. There's always the possibility it could be the first full day that went seamlessly. Half my patients might not even show up. The typically crabby patients might be in excellent moods. I can't change any of that. But I can change how I react to it. It won't help my patients if I act all stressed out and crabby when I work with them, just because I'm stressed. They are all coming to me to help them. I could worry myself to death over what MIGHT happen, instead of just letting things happen and dealing with them as they come, on a minute to minute basis. I've actually stopped looking at my schedule so that I don't build up any expectations of what may or may not happen, and get stressed out, and I've found that actually works better for me. That way the patients all come as they're scheduled and then each is like a surprise. I won't have wasted time dreading certain patients or how full my schedule is.

We'll see how today goes.

Welcome

About 13 years ago, I bought a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz' book The Four Agreements. I couldn't have been at a scarier point in my life. About to have a child as a single mother, going back to school to get my masters degree, and living with my folks...I had no idea where life was going to take me, or how I'd gotten where I was in the first place. Unfortunately, it was not the right time or place in my life for the book to resonate with me.

Fast forward 13 years. I now have a career, a husband, a 12 year-old daughter, a house and a cat, and things couldn't be better on the surface. On the inside though, I was a mess. I found I was still angry and hurt about things that had happened years ago, and was still beating myself up about mistakes I had made and bad choices I had made in the past. My anger, frustration and hopelessness were bleeding into my work and my family life, and I knew something had to change. When I re-discovered my copy of The Four Agreements on a shelf in the basement about a week ago, this time I devoured it. I realized after I re-read the book how little time I spent on the here and now, today, this moment, and how important it was to forgive myself the past in order to move forward. And that was when I realized that it was time for me to put The Four Agreements into action.

I chose my blog title, Tabula Rasa, which is Latin for "clean slate", because one of the precepts of The Four Agreements is to start fresh every day, without judging anyone for what happened in the past, without judging ourselves for past mistakes, and not to worry about what might happen tomorrow. No one keeps score and everyone gets a second chance. We laugh at ourselves if we mess up and forgive and forget instantly. It's more of a challenge to live in the here and now than I realized it would be!

This blog will be my journey as I try to work through the concepts of living fully today. Feel free to leave your own thoughts!